If you just read my post below you're going to smile about Day 7. Turns out it was about what I just wrote. About love being a decision, not a feeling.
Today it talked about the two rooms of your heart. The room of appreciation and the room of depreciation. Written on the first room's walls is all the good things about your spouse. I bet you can guess what is written on the walls of the second room. Day 7 talked about the dangers of camping out in the depreciation room. That divorces are plotted there and violent plans are schemed. You are creating verbal weapons for the next disagreement. I can tell you which room I am NOT sleeping in. I peek in the appreciation room when we are getting along, but for the most part I'm hanging out in the depreciation room. Like I said before, when I am wronged I tend to hold onto that and never let it go as if it were a life line, but really it's destroying my life.
I can tell you many things about my Husband that I love off the top of my head. But I could also tell you many MORE things that I don't love about my Husband. Well, no more! Just like I made the decision to love my Husband, I making a decision to lock up that room with chains and re label it the "LOVE KILLER" room.
It's not going to be easy but no one said marriage was easy. It's not going to be fun either because as much as I hate to admit it, making fun of my Husband is easy, pointing out his faults to others is easy. And I was thinking the other day..why do I like to put my Husband down in front of others? Why do I have fun bashing on him with other girls? You could say that it's because we women like to bash on our men, but I don't think that's it. It goes deeper than that. I don't have the answer but I am ashamed of myself for it. I love my Husband. If anyone were to say something bad about him I'd stick up for him in a heart beat and probably hold a grudge against the person (that's wrong too by the way, but you get my point).
Why is it that I am cautious with my words about others but I relish in talking badly about my Husband? I bet right about now I sound like the worst Wife ever. I sure feel like it. So along with locking the door on the depreciation room I am going to lock the door on my mouth! It's sure going to be silent from now on..... = P
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Paper Heart
I was watching Paper Heart last night. It was a really cute movie and I find Michael Cera and Charlyne Yi awkwardness adorable. A brief summary of the movie is Charlyne makes a documentary about love so she goes to all these cities across America asking people questions about love, how you know you're in love, what's your love story etc. However, all the stuff they said about love made me see why our divorce rate is so high. They portrayed love as just this feeling you get and it's the instant you meet them. That if you have butterflies around them then that is absolutely love.
Although I do not believe in LOVE at first sight, I do believe that you can see someone and have a hunch that with them, you could be embarking on the greatest love of your life. That's exactly how I felt with my Husband. From the second I met him I knew that we would date. From our first date I knew that we were going to become serious. After a few weeks I was convinced I loved him. And one year later I knew I'd marry him. And on January 2, I knew that this marriage would be tough but that I wouldn't trade my Husband in for a easier marriage with someone else.
One thing struck me though. One of her main questions was "How do you know you're in love?". It is such an important question and I feel like the answers are always so lame. The majority of the answers are "You just know!". That's bull. That's not an answer. I feel like that answer is a cop-out, it's what you say when you don't know what to say. It's what a 16 year old would say when her Mother asks "How do you know you love this boy, you've only dated him for a week!." Or the couple who get married after two hours of meeting each other.
Love is a choice, not a feeling. If you base whether you love someone or not by a feeling then you are doomed to fail. If I based my love for my Husband on feelings we probably wouldn't be married. I'm not saying I don't have good feelings for Husband, but when we fight (which is often) my feelings for him aren't pleasant. But I choose to love him, despite how I feel about him in that moment. In fact, the night I announced that I wanted to get married and fast, we were in the middle of a huge fight. The kind of fight where I left home and stayed with my parents. Because of that a lot of people doubted our decision to get married, but I knew that God didn't want us to wait until we are both perfect to get married. It's a choice I made regardless of how I felt at the time, because I know that God chose my Husband for me and after lots of time in prayer (Yes, I prayed about it. Did you really think I'd make such a BIG decision without HIS opinion?) he confirmed my decision.
I hope that when my kids ask me "How do you know you are in love?" I have a real answer!
Although I do not believe in LOVE at first sight, I do believe that you can see someone and have a hunch that with them, you could be embarking on the greatest love of your life. That's exactly how I felt with my Husband. From the second I met him I knew that we would date. From our first date I knew that we were going to become serious. After a few weeks I was convinced I loved him. And one year later I knew I'd marry him. And on January 2, I knew that this marriage would be tough but that I wouldn't trade my Husband in for a easier marriage with someone else.
One thing struck me though. One of her main questions was "How do you know you're in love?". It is such an important question and I feel like the answers are always so lame. The majority of the answers are "You just know!". That's bull. That's not an answer. I feel like that answer is a cop-out, it's what you say when you don't know what to say. It's what a 16 year old would say when her Mother asks "How do you know you love this boy, you've only dated him for a week!." Or the couple who get married after two hours of meeting each other.
Love is a choice, not a feeling. If you base whether you love someone or not by a feeling then you are doomed to fail. If I based my love for my Husband on feelings we probably wouldn't be married. I'm not saying I don't have good feelings for Husband, but when we fight (which is often) my feelings for him aren't pleasant. But I choose to love him, despite how I feel about him in that moment. In fact, the night I announced that I wanted to get married and fast, we were in the middle of a huge fight. The kind of fight where I left home and stayed with my parents. Because of that a lot of people doubted our decision to get married, but I knew that God didn't want us to wait until we are both perfect to get married. It's a choice I made regardless of how I felt at the time, because I know that God chose my Husband for me and after lots of time in prayer (Yes, I prayed about it. Did you really think I'd make such a BIG decision without HIS opinion?) he confirmed my decision.
I hope that when my kids ask me "How do you know you are in love?" I have a real answer!
Friday, January 29, 2010
Moving Onward
So now that I am rededicated to this Love Dare and to applying God's will to my life, I realized something today that will NOT come as a shock I'm sure. I am selfish. I am very defensive and sensitive about this so any ah-hahs! are not needed. But back to the confession, I am selfish. Now, don't get me wrong I do think of others. I think about my Husbands feelings, and I care deeply for my son and his needs. That's just the thing that kept me from admitting I'm selfish. I do care and think of others...but do I care and think about them more than myself? The answer to that is a booming NO! I was the baby of my family for 15 years until my wonderful little brother joined the family and bumped me up to middle child with my older brother. Not only that, I am the only girl. My mom wanted a girl and after two boys she said that if this pregnancy (referring to the pregnancy with lil' ole me in her belly) wasn't a girl then they were done trying. So what do'ya know? In comes me! Now I am in no way saying it's my parents fault. I am stating the face that I have been spoiled my whole life. That's just the facts of life, the youngest (and cutest! = P ) always get spoiled. The spoiling did not stop after I toddled out of diapers, it's never stopped. Even at the job that I met my Husband spoiled me. I was one of three girls out of 100+ men in the landscaping project. After I chose my Husband out of all those men you bet he did everything under the sun to assure me that I picked right. One of primary things being spoiling me! And selfish girls like me take full advantage of lonely, heartbroken, desperate to please men like my Husband. That's just it. I took advantage of him. I have taken it too far. I'm not saying I want him to stop = P But somewhere along the way I've stopped reciprocating. Maybe I never did. It's just been me, me, me.
So now what do I do with this information? I'm spoiled and selfish (man I don't like how that sounds), so what do I do to correct it? Does this mean that I need to give up everything and not think about my own needs? I think the answer to that is obvious. No. I think there is a fine line between putting others needs ahead of your own, being selfless and just plain ignoring your needs and not doing anything for yourself. I am going to search for that line. Lord help me find that line. Help me to be selfless and a servant to my Husbands needs.
Perhaps this is why I have trouble even putting the Lord first and loving him above all else. My selfishness is not only damaging my marriage it's damaging my walk with the Lord. I have a tough time being humble when I start to do things I'm supposed to do. My pats on the back become strokes of the ego, and before you know it I forget that I'm supposed to have my eyes on the Lord, not on my gold star on the paper. So how do you become a godly righteous person without becoming proud?
I recognize that my selfishness keeps me from obeying God as well. I'm too selfish to do what he wants. There are times I want so badly to return to my old life and be carefree and party all the time and listening to the trashy music I listened to and watch the deliciously sinful t.v. shows I used to watch. And I have noticed myself toe the line lately, wondering just how bad it would be if I slid backwards (only for a little while, just for a little while right?). I am so thankful that I got back to this blog because tonight I am realizing just how close I have been toeing the line between being obedient and falling away from God.
I have a feeling everything I'm rambling about has to do with my struggling marriage and my role in the falling rocks.
So now what do I do with this information? I'm spoiled and selfish (man I don't like how that sounds), so what do I do to correct it? Does this mean that I need to give up everything and not think about my own needs? I think the answer to that is obvious. No. I think there is a fine line between putting others needs ahead of your own, being selfless and just plain ignoring your needs and not doing anything for yourself. I am going to search for that line. Lord help me find that line. Help me to be selfless and a servant to my Husbands needs.
Perhaps this is why I have trouble even putting the Lord first and loving him above all else. My selfishness is not only damaging my marriage it's damaging my walk with the Lord. I have a tough time being humble when I start to do things I'm supposed to do. My pats on the back become strokes of the ego, and before you know it I forget that I'm supposed to have my eyes on the Lord, not on my gold star on the paper. So how do you become a godly righteous person without becoming proud?
I recognize that my selfishness keeps me from obeying God as well. I'm too selfish to do what he wants. There are times I want so badly to return to my old life and be carefree and party all the time and listening to the trashy music I listened to and watch the deliciously sinful t.v. shows I used to watch. And I have noticed myself toe the line lately, wondering just how bad it would be if I slid backwards (only for a little while, just for a little while right?). I am so thankful that I got back to this blog because tonight I am realizing just how close I have been toeing the line between being obedient and falling away from God.
I have a feeling everything I'm rambling about has to do with my struggling marriage and my role in the falling rocks.
Day 5...6...7...ya okay I fell off the wagon =(
Because this blog is specifically about my journey with the Love Dare I'm not going to go into huge detail about why I haven't been blogging and why I have NOT kept up with the Love Dare. Long story short, I'm back on it and I know of one reader who is going to keep me accountable because I know she will be checking for new posts ;)
I am on Day 7 now, I haven't read it yet but I really wish I was blogging every day because my marriage has been through ALOT just in the past two days! I'm not proud of the things going on but I know that this rough desert is going to bring us to a beautiful land with flowers and rivers of love abounding. When we make it to that land, I have no idea, we may be wandering for 40 years like the Israelites (but let's pray we don't!).
I will say that this putting the Love Dare in action is a LOT harder than Cameron on Fireproof makes it look. And by that I don't mean that it looked like everything went well for him, but it doesn't quite show just how HARD it is to keep silent when you want to nag, or defend, and to be loving when you want to throw a bowling ball at their head. I know, that sounds very violent and it sounds horrible to me right now because I'm not angry, but one thing about me is when I am angry, I am ANGRY. And no one gets me to that place better than my Husband.
For the most part my Husband and I are actually more civil and polite to each other than we were before we got married but one night a friend pointed out that that doesn't mean nothing's wrong. He said he could see that just because we weren't lashing out at each other it was obvious we both were harboring bitterness and hurt towards each other. And he was right. I was harboring the bitterness of having a lazy Husband, having to go to work while my Husband slept till 11:00 and then played on Facebook all day, among other things.
I think what really topped it off was the morning we were discussing when our son will move on from rice cereal to other things. Now I have voiced my opinion numerous times that I want our son to eat vegetables before he eats fruit because if he has fruit first he is going to say no way Jose to any bland. So I want him to conquer the Land of Bland before he gets to the sugary mountains of fruit! Anyways, as we are discussing this it becomes more than just a discussion of our son's next experience with his taste bud. It becomes a power struggle between the two of us. So my Husband just ends with "Well don't worry about it because you are gone at work during the day so I have the control and you won't know what he's eating." Now I may not have quoted that precisely but you get the point.
This power struggle with our son is really killing our marriage. My Husband has a 5 year old daughter who doesn't live with us because the Mother refuses to let us see her and when we were able to see her the Mother constantly held things above his head, "If she doesn't come back with ALL the clothes she has on now, you can't have her next week." and bossed him around constantly. So needless to say there is a lot of baggage. I don't blame him for having a guard up but it makes parenting with him very difficult. If I don't agree with him he is in immediate attack mode or defense mode. If I don't want to do his ideas then it must mean I think he is inferior to me and if I go with my Mother instinct and pick my son up out of his crib at 2:00 after he's been crying for 30 minutes it must mean that I don't respect him and that he is not a real Father in my eyes. It's a lot for me to work with. Everything I do is wrong one way or another. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells.
Okay, I just took a break and gave my oh-so-adorable son a bath. That break made me climb off my high horse and thus it's time to move onward.
I am on Day 7 now, I haven't read it yet but I really wish I was blogging every day because my marriage has been through ALOT just in the past two days! I'm not proud of the things going on but I know that this rough desert is going to bring us to a beautiful land with flowers and rivers of love abounding. When we make it to that land, I have no idea, we may be wandering for 40 years like the Israelites (but let's pray we don't!).
I will say that this putting the Love Dare in action is a LOT harder than Cameron on Fireproof makes it look. And by that I don't mean that it looked like everything went well for him, but it doesn't quite show just how HARD it is to keep silent when you want to nag, or defend, and to be loving when you want to throw a bowling ball at their head. I know, that sounds very violent and it sounds horrible to me right now because I'm not angry, but one thing about me is when I am angry, I am ANGRY. And no one gets me to that place better than my Husband.
For the most part my Husband and I are actually more civil and polite to each other than we were before we got married but one night a friend pointed out that that doesn't mean nothing's wrong. He said he could see that just because we weren't lashing out at each other it was obvious we both were harboring bitterness and hurt towards each other. And he was right. I was harboring the bitterness of having a lazy Husband, having to go to work while my Husband slept till 11:00 and then played on Facebook all day, among other things.
I think what really topped it off was the morning we were discussing when our son will move on from rice cereal to other things. Now I have voiced my opinion numerous times that I want our son to eat vegetables before he eats fruit because if he has fruit first he is going to say no way Jose to any bland. So I want him to conquer the Land of Bland before he gets to the sugary mountains of fruit! Anyways, as we are discussing this it becomes more than just a discussion of our son's next experience with his taste bud. It becomes a power struggle between the two of us. So my Husband just ends with "Well don't worry about it because you are gone at work during the day so I have the control and you won't know what he's eating." Now I may not have quoted that precisely but you get the point.
This power struggle with our son is really killing our marriage. My Husband has a 5 year old daughter who doesn't live with us because the Mother refuses to let us see her and when we were able to see her the Mother constantly held things above his head, "If she doesn't come back with ALL the clothes she has on now, you can't have her next week." and bossed him around constantly. So needless to say there is a lot of baggage. I don't blame him for having a guard up but it makes parenting with him very difficult. If I don't agree with him he is in immediate attack mode or defense mode. If I don't want to do his ideas then it must mean I think he is inferior to me and if I go with my Mother instinct and pick my son up out of his crib at 2:00 after he's been crying for 30 minutes it must mean that I don't respect him and that he is not a real Father in my eyes. It's a lot for me to work with. Everything I do is wrong one way or another. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells.
Okay, I just took a break and gave my oh-so-adorable son a bath. That break made me climb off my high horse and thus it's time to move onward.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Love Dare- Day 4
Update from yesterday. After finishing my day at work, I was walking home dreading walking into our house where no doubt my Husband would be waiting and my son would probably be crying and it would be drama drama drama all over again. So once again I prayed a silent prayer that I may put this Love Dare into practice and not blow up no matter what my Husband chose to do. It was then that I remember 1 Corinthians 13. Love is patient, love is kind..the one I was thinking was 'it keeps no records of wrong'. Whew! That's a tall order isn't it? That is one thing I struggle with personally. When I am done wrong I hold onto it like my son likes to hold onto my hair or tug at my shirt when he's hungry.
I walk in the door. Our son is, infact, crying. Not a wailing his head off like his usual, but just fussy. I silently walk into the living room and set my purse and coat down and my Husband coos to our son "Mommy's home. Look! Mommy's home!". Well..that's certainly better than "Don't pick him up! Stop controling things! Why did you even come home?? (that was said to me last week)". I pick up my son and bring him into our bedroom to nurse him. As I look out the window I see my husband step outside and start cleaning up the yard.
After my son is done eating I bundle him up and put him in his stroller so that we can walk down to the post office. When we get outside my Husband looks up from his work as asks me "Where you goin?". Now, there are two ways I could answer. I could glare at him and tell him it's none of his business and remind him that when he took off with my son at my lunch I didn't ask where he was going even though it meant I didn't get to kiss my baby goodbye. Or....I could save all the words and just tell him I'm going to go to the post office. I did the latter.
I can't quite remember his response but I think it included 'my love'. Either way it was nice enough that I was compelled to ask him if he wanted me to stop by the store and pick him up some chips that he wanted. As I walk to the post office I smile to myself, thankful the fight is over, and also tell God thank you. Thank you that we didn't have another fight, thank you that my Husband was polite, and thank you for keeping me polite. Now, normally I would hold a grudge and spit at his politeness. I would think to myself "Who does he think he is!?!? Treat me like that and then when I get home pretend it didn't even happen!??". I chose a different route this time. It was not coincidence that my Husband was polite, I believe it was God knowing I wouldn't be able to handle another fight for the day and I think He was also testing me to see how I would react..Would I 'keep no record of wrongs' or would I turn my back on his gesture? As I walked to the post office I told the Lord that no matter what I'm going to take this as a positive and keep no record of wrong from this day.
Love Dare- Day 3
So I just now read Day 3 of the Love Dare and boy am I completely failing!!
My son turns 5 months old today ( pause for a quivering lip ) and he used to be the world's best sleeper. By two months we was sleeping through the night. Well, not anymore. I was so tired this morning and for the last hour he kept waking up and nothing would console him. Then, just when I get him asleep, and we are cuddled up together and I was LOVING it, the phone rang. It was the school ( I am a substitute teacher) calling to ask if I would come in and work today. So I was instantly wrenched because I was tired, my son and I were cuddling after a long night of no sleep, and yet we need the money..badly. So I get up, and at that point I hadn't taken a shower in over 3 days (yuck I know but hey, that's a Mommy's life for ya!) so I got out of bed and while in the shower realized I had no milk supply for my son (I breastfeed), so after the shower I had to pump, and the secretary told me that I need to come in right away so I had to be as fast as I could. So I yell for husband (who is still asleep) so that he can get up and wash my pump parts for me so that I can go right from the shower to pumping milk. He never gets up. I get out of the shower and wake him up and ask him if he could please get up and wash my pump parts for me. I know he heard me but he doesn't respond, hoping that I'll just give up and walk away. I tap him again. "Please." His response, "I'm keeping the baby asleep." So I just say forget it and walk away mad. I clean my own parts and I silently pray to God to give me the ability to just be loving and kind and not dwell on the fact that when my Husband worked, I got up early with him even though I didn't need to and made him breakfast, or just got up so that I could spend time with him before work. You see, I'm working now because my Husband can not hold down a job. In the past year I've been with him he has lost 5 jobs in a row. So now, I have to leave my five month old son to go to work all day. So I admit, I am very bitter. Being a stay at home Mom is something I've dreamed about and I'm fruststrated that I don't get to be that because my Husband has an attitude and a big mouth and he doesn't understand why he keeps getting fired....
So, back to the story. I clean the parts and even though I prayed I was NOT obedient. The Lord told me to just sit down and pump and not worry about my Husband, but of course, me being me, I went in the room,shook him awake and asked if he would get up and make me breakfast, explaining that I was hungry and late and that when he worked I would get up and make him breakfast. So reluctantly he gets up and makes me toast and oatmeal. Shortly after my son wakes up and I barely have time to kiss good bye.
It's not that bad I know.. But it gets worse. I read Day 3 and vow to not be selfish no matter what. So lunchtime comes around and I am happy to head home to my Husband and son. Last time I worked, when I got home I was verbally attacked and my Husband was so angry that my son was crying that he just put him in his crib, shut the door, and pretended he didn't exist. So when I came home all I asked was "What's wrong?" And then went into the room to get my son. I guess that was a mistake. He explodes and starts yelling and so we get into a fight. Well, I hoped this time would be different. I was wrong. I get home, my son is crying and I can't find Dennis. I call out his name and he comes out of the kitchen with a bottle. So I think to myself "Okay, he has the bottle ready I'm going to go get my son and feed him and give my Husband a break." Well that's not how my Husband saw it. Apparently he yelled from the kitchen to not pick my son up (Ya right!!!!) because he wanted him to nap. But I didn't hear it and I think I'm in no way wrong for wanting to hold my child after I've missed him all day. So he explodes, throws the bottle away and when I walk over to him to ask what's wrong he looks at our son and says "Get him away from me I don't want to hear his crying anymore." So I sit down with my son and feed him from my breast. As I try to talk to my Husband asking why he's on the defense as soon as I walk in it turns into a heated conversation. Then he babbles on about how I came home just to control and nag and that I shouldn't have pickedup my son. And that's where I lost it. Forget Day 3, forget my prayer. I had had it!!!! So long story short, I try and find someone to come babysit and my Husband walks out of the house with my son..
The Love Dare-Day 2
I remember yesterday, when reading about kindness and patience and loving even when my husband done something wrong I remember thinking "Lord, please give me the will to put this into practice the next time we disagree." So today when my husband threw our son's bottle against the wall and needed some time to himself, I let him. If you knew me and saw the way our relationship is, you would know that the first thing I normally would do would be to yell at him and scold him for his outburst and then probably tell him something cliche like 'you don't love me because if you did you would treat me better.' etc.
But today I didn't. I just stayed quiet and promised myself that when he comes around I wasn't going to try and make him feel bad. It didn't happen as soon as I thought it would. Hours later infact. And I was mad that he was treating me as if I was the one who was in the wrong, and as if he was mad at me. It hurt, and I wanted to fight, but I resisted the urge and prayed for strength.
Later, after the gym we both apologized and I am begining to realize just how hard this journey is going to be, but I am hopeful, optimistic, and excited for the change.
An exciting adventure no doubt...
Technically I have already started the Love Dare, but I thought it'd be appropriate to have an Introduction.
My Husband and I got married very recently. One week and 3 days to be exact (Jan. 2, 2010). Now, we did not get married because our relationship is great and we thought to ourselves "Hey, we are doing so good, lets get married!". No, it is quite the opposite infact. We love eachother with such a deep passion that I think our emotions are so extreme that when the emotion happens to be anger or frustration it is tenfold the normal person. Loooong story short, we fight all the time, have "seperated" numerous times, and we have a wonderful, beautiful, amazing son together.
I know I know, it doesn't make sense to get married when you are constantly at each other's throats (That's supposed to come AFTER the wedding right??), but it is the right thing to do. Not because we have a child together, but because we want to spend the rest of our lives together and we both know in our hearts that the Lord chose us to be each others' life partner. And since it says in the Bible to not live together and no sex, kissing, etc. and do have a child, marriage is the answer. The question is, how are we going to make this marriage work?
Well actually I guess the real question is, how are we going to apply what we know is going to make a marriage work?? Because we do know what we are SUPPOSED to do. It's the doing it that's hard.
Thus, the 40 Day Love Dare blog is born, and so is my enthusiasm for this journey. I believe that after 40 days I will be a new wife and although our problems will NOT being going away any time soon, I am confident that I will have learned how to take them on and most importantly do it GOD's way, not mine.
My Husband and I got married very recently. One week and 3 days to be exact (Jan. 2, 2010). Now, we did not get married because our relationship is great and we thought to ourselves "Hey, we are doing so good, lets get married!". No, it is quite the opposite infact. We love eachother with such a deep passion that I think our emotions are so extreme that when the emotion happens to be anger or frustration it is tenfold the normal person. Loooong story short, we fight all the time, have "seperated" numerous times, and we have a wonderful, beautiful, amazing son together.
I know I know, it doesn't make sense to get married when you are constantly at each other's throats (That's supposed to come AFTER the wedding right??), but it is the right thing to do. Not because we have a child together, but because we want to spend the rest of our lives together and we both know in our hearts that the Lord chose us to be each others' life partner. And since it says in the Bible to not live together and no sex, kissing, etc. and do have a child, marriage is the answer. The question is, how are we going to make this marriage work?
Well actually I guess the real question is, how are we going to apply what we know is going to make a marriage work?? Because we do know what we are SUPPOSED to do. It's the doing it that's hard.
Thus, the 40 Day Love Dare blog is born, and so is my enthusiasm for this journey. I believe that after 40 days I will be a new wife and although our problems will NOT being going away any time soon, I am confident that I will have learned how to take them on and most importantly do it GOD's way, not mine.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)