Okay okay, I promised I wouldn't skip any days and I would stay committed. I am still committed and I'm not quitting, I just need to be more disciplined. Just like in my relationship.
Day 4's theme is love is thoughtful. I had to think on this for a minute or two. How thoughtful am I? I do have my moments like when I choose to wait to feed our son a new food so that my Husband can be there. Or yesterday I called in my Husband's steps (our fitness center is doing a contest to see who can get the most steps with a pedometer a day) for him yesterday which was a good thing because he was distraught when he realized he forgot. Thank goodness for thoughtful wives huh!
Now that I'm done tootin my horn, I know that there are areas where I should tend to a whole lot more on thoughtful. As we've covered before, I'm selfish. I have a hard time putting others needs before mine and that includes being more thoughtful about them than myself.
I remember when my Husband and I first met we worked for the same landscaping company and I always got off early before him. So I'd go to the nearest convenience store and buy him his favorite drink, a LARGE mountain dew or an energy drink, sometimes a Gatorade. I loved how his face always lit up when I would pick him up from work and place an ice cold Mountain Dew in his hand! He would always say how lucky he was and how great I am. After a while it wasn't a surprise anymore and the thanks were less and less, so eventually I stopped doing it.
I think this can apply to a lot of areas in our relationship. I have to admit, I really miss the beginning of our relationship. I miss him staring at me while we drove to work and laughing to himself saying "how did I get her?". Now, moments like that are far and few between. Sometimes I think he secretly says to myself "How did I end up with her?" Only this time the her isn't an amazing woman, just a grouchy, selfish, fat woman.
Last night I had the perfect opportunity to exercise some thoughfulness by holding my tongue. Like always, I didn't. I am not going into detail about this particular fight, but the point I want to make is that even though I feel I was right, what should have mattered more was how it would make my Husband feel. What it would do to his feelings and how it would affect our relationship. Thankfully we were quick to forgive and make up and then played Monopoly. But we're not always so lucky, some unnecessary fights go on forever and hurt our relationship even more. So I pray that today's theme sticks with me and I will remember it every time my tongue is about to wreak more havoc.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Love Dare - Day 3
This past Friday I had a mini-revelation. It all started while I was talking to my Mom while we were driving around trying to find the local Social Security office. I'm not sure how I turned the subject to ranting about my Husband but before I knew it I was in tears wallowing in self-pity over my unhappiness in this marriage. I remember at one point just crying out "I don't want to drop whatever I'm doing for him! Why should I have to do whatever he wants?? I feel like I'm giving all of myself up and I don't want to!" Now, the words aren't exact because this happened three days ago, but it was to that same effect.
I spent hours unhappy about my feelings at that moment. I tell ya, lots and lots of pity. I kept asking myself what could possibly make a woman want to give up everything to make their husband happy? Especially if they didn't feel he deserved it, or that he was wrong, etc. etc.
You know sometimes I think I get so wrapped up in what I don't like about my Husband that I think I can go on without him. Beth Moore was talking about one of her biggest fears and it was if her Husband found another woman and left her. The whole time I'm thinking "Ya, that'd hurt but not that bad, it wouldn't kill me and it's definitely not my biggest fear." I thank the Lord so deeply for what happened that night, I strongly feel that this defining moment I am about to tell you saved my marriage. I am not saying that everything is fixed and that we are great, but this moment pushed me to try harder and to actually be willing to at least entertain the idea of putting his needs in front of me where as before it was just 'no way Jose'.
So what was this moment? Nothing spectacular I'll tell you that much and I think that's why it hit me so hard. I came home from the trip with my Mom and my Husband had the baby and after I got everything put away and hung my jacket up I went over to him and gave him a kiss and asked him if he missed me. Now his answer was right, but there was nothing behind it. I knew it was just an answer out of habit. It's not the first time this has happened for either of us where we just aren't that excited to see each other and really could care less. But I tell you what, it's the first time I noticed and acknowledged it and the first time it hurt me. I walked into the kitchen and was struck with fear. Not the same fear as Beth Moore where she was afraid of her husband finding another woman. It was the fear that my Husband's feelings aren't that strong for me. That somewhere between the fighting, the many times one of us has left the house in anger, the few times we have taken off a wedding or engagement ring, the tears we both have cried, the fire died out. For the first time I wondered just how much damage was done to our relationship and if there was even a possibility that our marriage would be one of those love-less marriages where you just stay together out of convenience and kids.
That small moment called my bluff. While I was acting like I had a royal flush in my hand and that I was made of steel and that I really didn't care if my Husband liked me or not, that moment showed that I nothing in my hand. That fear grabbed me by the shoulders and said "Wake uppp! You are so busy thinking of yourself and wrecking this marriage and not caring about the consequences that it just might happen!!"
There was no dramatics, no tears, no words but I think that's just what I needed. It was simple and haunting enough to wake me up. It made me face the truth I was trying to hide from myself out of pure survival instincts for my heart and feelings. The truth is, I love my Husband and if he ever left me I would be devastated. My heart would shrivel up and vow to never let another man in. If my Husband stopped loving me my world would stop turning. And I tell you what, if keeping his love and keeping him period means that I have to swallow some pride and as Beth Moore said "go into the bathroom and scream into a towel because I know I'm right gosh darnnit!" then I'm doing it. It's hard. And if you know me personally, you know just how hard it is for me. We have already gone over how selfish I am so that's out in the open. But admitting it just isn't enough, something has to be done and Day 3 hit it on the nail. It was so great for me, it was about not being selfish. This excerpt about realizing my Husband has to love a selfish person really hit me:
Whether you like it or not, you have a reputation in the eyes of those around you, especially in the eyes of your spouse. But is it a loving reputation? Remember, your marriage partner also has the challenge of loving a selfish person. So determine to be the first to demonstrate real love to them, with your eyes wide open. And when all is said and done, you’ll both be more fulfilled.
Not only that I had another daily devotional about there being nothing worse than a nagging wife. Ouch ouch ouch!!! Man I got so caught up in the faults of my Husband I honestly and truthfully did not realize just how much of a nag I am!
You wanna hear another ouch? Last night we were watching Reba. Just to catch you up real quick since not a lot of people have discovered this awesome sitcom. Cheyenne and Van are a married couple who got married at 17 after Cheyenne found out she was pregnant. They are the perfect picture of the stereotype about a football star and cheerleader couple. Both air heads, but gorgeous, and both vain. But one thing I love about them is they are both passionately in love. I'm envious of it I must admit. Anyways back to my ouch. One thing about Cheyenne that I can not stand about her character is not only she is vain but she is so jealous all the time. Whether it's of another woman Van is talking to or who he is spending time with and what he's doing with his time. She nags constantly and she gets worked up over stupid things so much that a lot of the time Van doesn't tell her everything because he knows that she will blow it out of proportion (which in the end blows up in his face after she finds out). So we were watching an episode where Cheyenne was angry with Van because he came home for the weekend (he plays pro football in Denver and they live in Houston) and he had fun and loves his job and didn't cry about how hard it was to be away from Cheyenne. I said to my Husband "Aren't you glad you're not married to her?" He says "What do you mean?" I say "Well she is always upset at him for the stupidest things and she's always jealous and she is a nag!". Complete silence. My Husband bless his heart didn't say anything and luckily for him I was too busy realizing something painful to nag him about how he's supposed to say "Oh ya baby, I'm so glad I'm with you, you are the perfect wife?" ;). Back to seriousness. He didn't have to say anything because I already knew the answer. He is already married to a Cheyenne. Does anyone have a band-aid for my extreme owie?
I think I am truly starting to see just how big my faults are and just what they are doing to my marriage. And now that I can admit to myself that I do care about how my Husband feels about me and it is possible to drive him away emotionally I have a far better chance for a positive outcome than I did even a week ago. I am very excited to see how things are in 40 days = )
I spent hours unhappy about my feelings at that moment. I tell ya, lots and lots of pity. I kept asking myself what could possibly make a woman want to give up everything to make their husband happy? Especially if they didn't feel he deserved it, or that he was wrong, etc. etc.
You know sometimes I think I get so wrapped up in what I don't like about my Husband that I think I can go on without him. Beth Moore was talking about one of her biggest fears and it was if her Husband found another woman and left her. The whole time I'm thinking "Ya, that'd hurt but not that bad, it wouldn't kill me and it's definitely not my biggest fear." I thank the Lord so deeply for what happened that night, I strongly feel that this defining moment I am about to tell you saved my marriage. I am not saying that everything is fixed and that we are great, but this moment pushed me to try harder and to actually be willing to at least entertain the idea of putting his needs in front of me where as before it was just 'no way Jose'.
So what was this moment? Nothing spectacular I'll tell you that much and I think that's why it hit me so hard. I came home from the trip with my Mom and my Husband had the baby and after I got everything put away and hung my jacket up I went over to him and gave him a kiss and asked him if he missed me. Now his answer was right, but there was nothing behind it. I knew it was just an answer out of habit. It's not the first time this has happened for either of us where we just aren't that excited to see each other and really could care less. But I tell you what, it's the first time I noticed and acknowledged it and the first time it hurt me. I walked into the kitchen and was struck with fear. Not the same fear as Beth Moore where she was afraid of her husband finding another woman. It was the fear that my Husband's feelings aren't that strong for me. That somewhere between the fighting, the many times one of us has left the house in anger, the few times we have taken off a wedding or engagement ring, the tears we both have cried, the fire died out. For the first time I wondered just how much damage was done to our relationship and if there was even a possibility that our marriage would be one of those love-less marriages where you just stay together out of convenience and kids.
That small moment called my bluff. While I was acting like I had a royal flush in my hand and that I was made of steel and that I really didn't care if my Husband liked me or not, that moment showed that I nothing in my hand. That fear grabbed me by the shoulders and said "Wake uppp! You are so busy thinking of yourself and wrecking this marriage and not caring about the consequences that it just might happen!!"
There was no dramatics, no tears, no words but I think that's just what I needed. It was simple and haunting enough to wake me up. It made me face the truth I was trying to hide from myself out of pure survival instincts for my heart and feelings. The truth is, I love my Husband and if he ever left me I would be devastated. My heart would shrivel up and vow to never let another man in. If my Husband stopped loving me my world would stop turning. And I tell you what, if keeping his love and keeping him period means that I have to swallow some pride and as Beth Moore said "go into the bathroom and scream into a towel because I know I'm right gosh darnnit!" then I'm doing it. It's hard. And if you know me personally, you know just how hard it is for me. We have already gone over how selfish I am so that's out in the open. But admitting it just isn't enough, something has to be done and Day 3 hit it on the nail. It was so great for me, it was about not being selfish. This excerpt about realizing my Husband has to love a selfish person really hit me:
Whether you like it or not, you have a reputation in the eyes of those around you, especially in the eyes of your spouse. But is it a loving reputation? Remember, your marriage partner also has the challenge of loving a selfish person. So determine to be the first to demonstrate real love to them, with your eyes wide open. And when all is said and done, you’ll both be more fulfilled.
Not only that I had another daily devotional about there being nothing worse than a nagging wife. Ouch ouch ouch!!! Man I got so caught up in the faults of my Husband I honestly and truthfully did not realize just how much of a nag I am!
You wanna hear another ouch? Last night we were watching Reba. Just to catch you up real quick since not a lot of people have discovered this awesome sitcom. Cheyenne and Van are a married couple who got married at 17 after Cheyenne found out she was pregnant. They are the perfect picture of the stereotype about a football star and cheerleader couple. Both air heads, but gorgeous, and both vain. But one thing I love about them is they are both passionately in love. I'm envious of it I must admit. Anyways back to my ouch. One thing about Cheyenne that I can not stand about her character is not only she is vain but she is so jealous all the time. Whether it's of another woman Van is talking to or who he is spending time with and what he's doing with his time. She nags constantly and she gets worked up over stupid things so much that a lot of the time Van doesn't tell her everything because he knows that she will blow it out of proportion (which in the end blows up in his face after she finds out). So we were watching an episode where Cheyenne was angry with Van because he came home for the weekend (he plays pro football in Denver and they live in Houston) and he had fun and loves his job and didn't cry about how hard it was to be away from Cheyenne. I said to my Husband "Aren't you glad you're not married to her?" He says "What do you mean?" I say "Well she is always upset at him for the stupidest things and she's always jealous and she is a nag!". Complete silence. My Husband bless his heart didn't say anything and luckily for him I was too busy realizing something painful to nag him about how he's supposed to say "Oh ya baby, I'm so glad I'm with you, you are the perfect wife?" ;). Back to seriousness. He didn't have to say anything because I already knew the answer. He is already married to a Cheyenne. Does anyone have a band-aid for my extreme owie?
I think I am truly starting to see just how big my faults are and just what they are doing to my marriage. And now that I can admit to myself that I do care about how my Husband feels about me and it is possible to drive him away emotionally I have a far better chance for a positive outcome than I did even a week ago. I am very excited to see how things are in 40 days = )
Thursday, February 18, 2010
...
It is nearing the end of the day and I still haven't come up with anything creative. Maybe I am making this too hard. I'm just so dedicated to actually doing this Dare that I want to accomplish every dare. To be truthful, he's the one that did the unexpected today. I came home to a completely cleaned living room. The floor is mopped, everything is put away and organized, it's great! I can actually walk through the living room without tripping over something.
I wanna say I'll just give him a foot massage, but I always fall back on that. I wish I could think of something a lot better but I guess it's better to massage a foot than do no act of kindness at all...I need to get better at this. I am excited to see what tomorrow's dare is!
I wanna say I'll just give him a foot massage, but I always fall back on that. I wish I could think of something a lot better but I guess it's better to massage a foot than do no act of kindness at all...I need to get better at this. I am excited to see what tomorrow's dare is!
Love Dare - Day 2
Day 1 was about patience, which I feel I am getting better at but I still have a long way to go. Today is about kindness. The Love Dare broke kindness up into four parts. Gentleness, Helpfulness, Willingness, and Initiative. Oh how I pray that I can become all four of these things.
You see, when I think of truly putting the needs of my Husband (or anyone else besides my son) before myself, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Most likely because I am selfish. Whenever I read something that says I should do what they want to do, put them ahead of my needs and wants, and to do it willingly meaning I actually want to...well let's just say I welcome that just about as much as I welcome cutting down my food intake and counting calories. I don't.
This is going to be a real challenge for me. Not only that, but today's Dare is to do something unexpected and kind. Now don't get me wrong, I am not that mean to my Husband. I love him and I am not unkind all the time...but how often am I kind. I had to sit and ponder this for a minute or two. On a scale of 1 to 10 how kind am I really to my Husband? So I am going to take that into consideration, and I want to make sure that I truly think of something kind. Not just something that I'd normally do, but something that would make my Husband go "Wow, this is neat! I can't believe she's doing this." Hmmm, any ideas?
You see, when I think of truly putting the needs of my Husband (or anyone else besides my son) before myself, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Most likely because I am selfish. Whenever I read something that says I should do what they want to do, put them ahead of my needs and wants, and to do it willingly meaning I actually want to...well let's just say I welcome that just about as much as I welcome cutting down my food intake and counting calories. I don't.
This is going to be a real challenge for me. Not only that, but today's Dare is to do something unexpected and kind. Now don't get me wrong, I am not that mean to my Husband. I love him and I am not unkind all the time...but how often am I kind. I had to sit and ponder this for a minute or two. On a scale of 1 to 10 how kind am I really to my Husband? So I am going to take that into consideration, and I want to make sure that I truly think of something kind. Not just something that I'd normally do, but something that would make my Husband go "Wow, this is neat! I can't believe she's doing this." Hmmm, any ideas?
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Love Dare - Day 1
I am starting back at Day 1. I can't keep quitting the Love Dare then coming back and starting where I left off. I am really serious about doing this every day. It's been so long that Day 1 is new to me again.
I keep expecting quick results not only with my Husband but with me. This is going to take a long time, especially with how stubborn and selfish I am. I ask for your prayers as many times as you can remember to pray for me. This is going to take a lot. I am playing with the idea of starting a blog for my weight loss journey. That is another thing in my life that is taking a lot of will power that I don't possess and commitment that I'm not sure I have.
I am also reading the journey of another couple, I believe one of them is the producer of the Fireproof movie.
So I just read Day 1 and I feel good about this. I want to become a new person and I want to be the wife God wants me to be. So desperately in fact, that I think when I fail I am more disappointed and more frustrated in myself than I should be.
So today I am supposed to say nothing negative. Love stems from two actions, patience and kindness. Thank goodness we are only tackling this one at a time ;) Thank goodness that my Husband and I aren't seeing much of each other tonight, it will make this easier ;) That's a joke..I think.
I keep expecting quick results not only with my Husband but with me. This is going to take a long time, especially with how stubborn and selfish I am. I ask for your prayers as many times as you can remember to pray for me. This is going to take a lot. I am playing with the idea of starting a blog for my weight loss journey. That is another thing in my life that is taking a lot of will power that I don't possess and commitment that I'm not sure I have.
I am also reading the journey of another couple, I believe one of them is the producer of the Fireproof movie.
So I just read Day 1 and I feel good about this. I want to become a new person and I want to be the wife God wants me to be. So desperately in fact, that I think when I fail I am more disappointed and more frustrated in myself than I should be.
So today I am supposed to say nothing negative. Love stems from two actions, patience and kindness. Thank goodness we are only tackling this one at a time ;) Thank goodness that my Husband and I aren't seeing much of each other tonight, it will make this easier ;) That's a joke..I think.
Love Dare - Day 10
I think if I were to take a stick and make a notch in it for every time I fall away from this Love Dare and then recommit myself..there would be no stick left! I think it's important for me to keep recommitting even as embarrassing as it is to admit I stopped doing it ever day, yet again.
So here I am, declaring my commitment again. I have half a mind to start the whole thing over from Day one...
So here I am, declaring my commitment again. I have half a mind to start the whole thing over from Day one...
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Love Dare - Day 10
I am completely moved right now. It's as if this Love Dare was written specifically for me and my marriage! Of course I'm sure everyone says that because these are basic principals for everyone, especially every Christian.
Today's Love Dare message was exactly what I've been failing to do. I will quote just a few paragraphs (seriously, if you're not doing this Dare, I encourage you to! It's so wonderful!)
Today's Love Dare message was exactly what I've been failing to do. I will quote just a few paragraphs (seriously, if you're not doing this Dare, I encourage you to! It's so wonderful!)
If someone were to ask you, “Why do you love your wife?” or “Why do you love your husband?” – what would you say?
Most men would mention their wife’s beauty, her sense of humor, her kindness, her inner strength. They might talk about her cooking, her knack for decorating, or what a good mother she is.
Women would probably say something about their husband’s good looks or his personality. They’d commend him for his steadiness and consistent character. They’d say they love him because he’s always there for them. He’s generous. He’s helpful.
But what if over the course of years, your wife or husband stopped being every one of those things. Would you still love them? Based on your answers above, the only logical response would be “no.” If your reasons for loving your spouse all have something to do with his or her qualities – and then those same qualities suddenly or gradually disappear – your basis for love is over.
The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.
So here it's backing up what I said earlier about love having to be a choice, not a feeling. But it takes it even further! You have to choose to love someone not because of the things they do or the way they are, but choose to love them unconditionally. No matter what. Even if he is rude, even if he doesn't do anything while I'm at work, even if he gains 100 lbs and lies in bed all day, my love has to be unconditional.
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