Love Dare - Day 3

This past Friday I had a mini-revelation. It all started while I was talking to my Mom while we were driving around trying to find the local Social Security office. I'm not sure how I turned the subject to ranting about my Husband but before I knew it I was in tears wallowing in self-pity over my unhappiness in this marriage. I remember at one point just crying out "I don't want to drop whatever I'm doing for him! Why should I have to do whatever he wants?? I feel like I'm giving all of myself up and I don't want to!" Now, the words aren't exact because this happened three days ago, but it was to that same effect.

I spent hours unhappy about my feelings at that moment. I tell ya, lots and lots of pity. I kept asking myself what could possibly make a woman want to give up everything to make their husband happy? Especially if they didn't feel he deserved it, or that he was wrong, etc. etc.

You know sometimes I think I get so wrapped up in what I don't like about my Husband that I think I can go on without him. Beth Moore was talking about one of her biggest fears and it was if her Husband found another woman and left her. The whole time I'm thinking "Ya, that'd hurt but not that bad, it wouldn't kill me and it's definitely not my biggest fear." I thank the Lord so deeply for what happened that night, I strongly feel that this defining moment I am about to tell you saved my marriage. I am not saying that everything is fixed and that we are great, but this moment pushed me to try harder and to actually be willing to at least entertain the idea of putting his needs in front of me where as before it was just 'no way Jose'.

So what was this moment? Nothing spectacular I'll tell you that much and I think that's why it hit me so hard. I came home from the trip with my Mom and my Husband had the baby and after I got everything put away and hung my jacket up I went over to him and gave him a kiss and asked him if he missed me. Now his answer was right, but there was nothing behind it. I knew it was just an answer out of habit. It's not the first time this has happened for either of us where we just aren't that excited to see each other and really could care less. But I tell you what, it's the first time I noticed and acknowledged it and the first time it hurt me. I walked into the kitchen and was struck with fear. Not the same fear as Beth Moore where she was afraid of her husband finding another woman. It was the fear that my Husband's feelings aren't that strong for me. That somewhere between the fighting, the many times one of us has left the house in anger, the few times we have taken off a wedding or engagement ring, the tears we both have cried, the fire died out. For the first time I wondered just how much damage was done to our relationship and if there was even a possibility that our marriage would be one of those love-less marriages where you just stay together out of convenience and kids.

That small moment called my bluff. While I was acting like I had a royal flush in my hand and that I was made of steel and that I really didn't care if my Husband liked me or not, that moment showed that I nothing in my hand. That fear grabbed me by the shoulders and said "Wake uppp! You are so busy thinking of yourself and wrecking this marriage and not caring about the consequences that it just might happen!!"

There was no dramatics, no tears, no words but I think that's just what I needed. It was simple and haunting enough to wake me up. It made me face the truth I was trying to hide from myself out of pure survival instincts for my heart and feelings. The truth is, I love my Husband and if he ever left me I would be devastated. My heart would shrivel up and vow to never let another man in. If my Husband stopped loving me my world would stop turning. And I tell you what, if keeping his love and keeping him period means that I have to swallow some pride and as Beth Moore said "go into the bathroom and scream into a towel because I know I'm right gosh darnnit!" then I'm doing it. It's hard. And if you know me personally, you know just how hard it is for me. We have already gone over how selfish I am so that's out in the open. But admitting it just isn't enough, something has to be done and Day 3 hit it on the nail. It was so great for me, it was about not being selfish. This excerpt about realizing my Husband has to love a selfish person really hit me:

Whether you like it or not, you have a reputation in the eyes of those around you, especially in the eyes of your spouse. But is it a loving reputation? Remember, your marriage partner also has the challenge of loving a selfish person. So determine to be the first to demonstrate real love to them, with your eyes wide open. And when all is said and done, you’ll both be more fulfilled.

Not only that I had another daily devotional about there being nothing worse than a nagging wife. Ouch ouch ouch!!! Man I got so caught up in the faults of my Husband I honestly and truthfully did not realize just how much of a nag I am!

You wanna hear another ouch? Last night we were watching Reba. Just to catch you up real quick since not a lot of people have discovered this awesome sitcom. Cheyenne and Van are a married couple who got married at 17 after Cheyenne found out she was pregnant. They are the perfect picture of the stereotype about a football star and cheerleader couple. Both air heads, but gorgeous, and both vain. But one thing I love about them is they are both passionately in love. I'm envious of it I must admit. Anyways back to my ouch. One thing about Cheyenne that I can not stand about her character is not only she is vain but she is so jealous all the time. Whether it's of another woman Van is talking to or who he is spending time with and what he's doing with his time. She nags constantly and she gets worked up over stupid things so much that a lot of the time Van doesn't tell her everything because he knows that she will blow it out of proportion (which in the end blows up in his face after she finds out). So we were watching an episode where Cheyenne was angry with Van because he came home for the weekend (he plays pro football in Denver and they live in Houston) and he had fun and loves his job and didn't cry about how hard it was to be away from Cheyenne. I said to my Husband "Aren't you glad you're not married to her?" He says "What do you mean?" I say "Well she is always upset at him for the stupidest things and she's always jealous and she is a nag!". Complete silence. My Husband bless his heart didn't say anything and luckily for him I was too busy realizing something painful to nag him about how he's supposed to say "Oh ya baby, I'm so glad I'm with you, you are the perfect wife?" ;). Back to seriousness. He didn't have to say anything because I already knew the answer. He is already married to a Cheyenne. Does anyone have a band-aid for my extreme owie?

I think I am truly starting to see just how big my faults are and just what they are doing to my marriage. And now that I can admit to myself that I do care about how my Husband feels about me and it is possible to drive him away emotionally I have a far better chance for a positive outcome than I did even a week ago. I am very excited to see how things are in 40 days = )