Love Dare - Day 3

This past Friday I had a mini-revelation. It all started while I was talking to my Mom while we were driving around trying to find the local Social Security office. I'm not sure how I turned the subject to ranting about my Husband but before I knew it I was in tears wallowing in self-pity over my unhappiness in this marriage. I remember at one point just crying out "I don't want to drop whatever I'm doing for him! Why should I have to do whatever he wants?? I feel like I'm giving all of myself up and I don't want to!" Now, the words aren't exact because this happened three days ago, but it was to that same effect.

I spent hours unhappy about my feelings at that moment. I tell ya, lots and lots of pity. I kept asking myself what could possibly make a woman want to give up everything to make their husband happy? Especially if they didn't feel he deserved it, or that he was wrong, etc. etc.

You know sometimes I think I get so wrapped up in what I don't like about my Husband that I think I can go on without him. Beth Moore was talking about one of her biggest fears and it was if her Husband found another woman and left her. The whole time I'm thinking "Ya, that'd hurt but not that bad, it wouldn't kill me and it's definitely not my biggest fear." I thank the Lord so deeply for what happened that night, I strongly feel that this defining moment I am about to tell you saved my marriage. I am not saying that everything is fixed and that we are great, but this moment pushed me to try harder and to actually be willing to at least entertain the idea of putting his needs in front of me where as before it was just 'no way Jose'.

So what was this moment? Nothing spectacular I'll tell you that much and I think that's why it hit me so hard. I came home from the trip with my Mom and my Husband had the baby and after I got everything put away and hung my jacket up I went over to him and gave him a kiss and asked him if he missed me. Now his answer was right, but there was nothing behind it. I knew it was just an answer out of habit. It's not the first time this has happened for either of us where we just aren't that excited to see each other and really could care less. But I tell you what, it's the first time I noticed and acknowledged it and the first time it hurt me. I walked into the kitchen and was struck with fear. Not the same fear as Beth Moore where she was afraid of her husband finding another woman. It was the fear that my Husband's feelings aren't that strong for me. That somewhere between the fighting, the many times one of us has left the house in anger, the few times we have taken off a wedding or engagement ring, the tears we both have cried, the fire died out. For the first time I wondered just how much damage was done to our relationship and if there was even a possibility that our marriage would be one of those love-less marriages where you just stay together out of convenience and kids.

That small moment called my bluff. While I was acting like I had a royal flush in my hand and that I was made of steel and that I really didn't care if my Husband liked me or not, that moment showed that I nothing in my hand. That fear grabbed me by the shoulders and said "Wake uppp! You are so busy thinking of yourself and wrecking this marriage and not caring about the consequences that it just might happen!!"

There was no dramatics, no tears, no words but I think that's just what I needed. It was simple and haunting enough to wake me up. It made me face the truth I was trying to hide from myself out of pure survival instincts for my heart and feelings. The truth is, I love my Husband and if he ever left me I would be devastated. My heart would shrivel up and vow to never let another man in. If my Husband stopped loving me my world would stop turning. And I tell you what, if keeping his love and keeping him period means that I have to swallow some pride and as Beth Moore said "go into the bathroom and scream into a towel because I know I'm right gosh darnnit!" then I'm doing it. It's hard. And if you know me personally, you know just how hard it is for me. We have already gone over how selfish I am so that's out in the open. But admitting it just isn't enough, something has to be done and Day 3 hit it on the nail. It was so great for me, it was about not being selfish. This excerpt about realizing my Husband has to love a selfish person really hit me:

Whether you like it or not, you have a reputation in the eyes of those around you, especially in the eyes of your spouse. But is it a loving reputation? Remember, your marriage partner also has the challenge of loving a selfish person. So determine to be the first to demonstrate real love to them, with your eyes wide open. And when all is said and done, you’ll both be more fulfilled.

Not only that I had another daily devotional about there being nothing worse than a nagging wife. Ouch ouch ouch!!! Man I got so caught up in the faults of my Husband I honestly and truthfully did not realize just how much of a nag I am!

You wanna hear another ouch? Last night we were watching Reba. Just to catch you up real quick since not a lot of people have discovered this awesome sitcom. Cheyenne and Van are a married couple who got married at 17 after Cheyenne found out she was pregnant. They are the perfect picture of the stereotype about a football star and cheerleader couple. Both air heads, but gorgeous, and both vain. But one thing I love about them is they are both passionately in love. I'm envious of it I must admit. Anyways back to my ouch. One thing about Cheyenne that I can not stand about her character is not only she is vain but she is so jealous all the time. Whether it's of another woman Van is talking to or who he is spending time with and what he's doing with his time. She nags constantly and she gets worked up over stupid things so much that a lot of the time Van doesn't tell her everything because he knows that she will blow it out of proportion (which in the end blows up in his face after she finds out). So we were watching an episode where Cheyenne was angry with Van because he came home for the weekend (he plays pro football in Denver and they live in Houston) and he had fun and loves his job and didn't cry about how hard it was to be away from Cheyenne. I said to my Husband "Aren't you glad you're not married to her?" He says "What do you mean?" I say "Well she is always upset at him for the stupidest things and she's always jealous and she is a nag!". Complete silence. My Husband bless his heart didn't say anything and luckily for him I was too busy realizing something painful to nag him about how he's supposed to say "Oh ya baby, I'm so glad I'm with you, you are the perfect wife?" ;). Back to seriousness. He didn't have to say anything because I already knew the answer. He is already married to a Cheyenne. Does anyone have a band-aid for my extreme owie?

I think I am truly starting to see just how big my faults are and just what they are doing to my marriage. And now that I can admit to myself that I do care about how my Husband feels about me and it is possible to drive him away emotionally I have a far better chance for a positive outcome than I did even a week ago. I am very excited to see how things are in 40 days = )

...

It is nearing the end of the day and I still haven't come up with anything creative. Maybe I am making this too hard. I'm just so dedicated to actually doing this Dare that I want to accomplish every dare. To be truthful, he's the one that did the unexpected today. I came home to a completely cleaned living room. The floor is mopped, everything is put away and organized, it's great! I can actually walk through the living room without tripping over something.

I wanna say I'll just give him a foot massage, but I always fall back on that. I wish I could think of something a lot better but I guess it's better to massage a foot than do no act of kindness at all...I need to get better at this. I am excited to see what tomorrow's dare is!

Love Dare - Day 2

Day 1 was about patience, which I feel I am getting better at but I still have a long way to go. Today is about kindness. The Love Dare broke kindness up into four parts. Gentleness, Helpfulness, Willingness, and Initiative. Oh how I pray that I can become all four of these things.

You see, when I think of truly putting the needs of my Husband (or anyone else besides my son) before myself, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Most likely because I am selfish. Whenever I read something that says I should do what they want to do, put them ahead of my needs and wants, and to do it willingly meaning I actually want to...well let's just say I welcome that just about as much as I welcome cutting down my food intake and counting calories. I don't.

This is going to be a real challenge for me. Not only that, but today's Dare is to do something unexpected and kind. Now don't get me wrong, I am not that mean to my Husband. I love him and I am not unkind all the time...but how often am I kind. I had to sit and ponder this for a minute or two. On a scale of 1 to 10 how kind am I really to my Husband? So I am going to take that into consideration, and I want to make sure that I truly think of something kind. Not just something that I'd normally do, but something that would make my Husband go "Wow, this is neat! I can't believe she's doing this." Hmmm, any ideas?

Love Dare - Day 1

I am starting back at Day 1. I can't keep quitting the Love Dare then coming back and starting where I left off. I am really serious about doing this every day. It's been so long that Day 1 is new to me again.

I keep expecting quick results not only with my Husband but with me. This is going to take a long time, especially with how stubborn and selfish I am. I ask for your prayers as many times as you can remember to pray for me. This is going to take a lot. I am playing with the idea of starting a blog for my weight loss journey. That is another thing in my life that is taking a lot of will power that I don't possess and commitment that I'm not sure I have.

I am also reading the journey of another couple, I believe one of them is the producer of the Fireproof movie.

So I just read Day 1 and I feel good about this. I want to become a new person and I want to be the wife God wants me to be. So desperately in fact, that I think when I fail I am more disappointed and more frustrated in myself than I should be.

So today I am supposed to say nothing negative. Love stems from two actions, patience and kindness. Thank goodness we are only tackling this one at a time ;) Thank goodness that my Husband and I aren't seeing much of each other tonight, it will make this easier ;) That's a joke..I think.

Love Dare - Day 10

I think if I were to take a stick and make a notch in it for every time I fall away from this Love Dare and then recommit myself..there would be no stick left! I think it's important for me to keep recommitting even as embarrassing as it is to admit I stopped doing it ever day, yet again.

So here I am, declaring my commitment again. I have half a mind to start the whole thing over from Day one...

Love Dare - Day 10

I am completely moved right now. It's as if this Love Dare was written specifically for me and my marriage! Of course I'm sure everyone says that because these are basic principals for everyone, especially every Christian.

Today's Love Dare message was exactly what I've been failing to do. I will quote just a few paragraphs (seriously, if you're not doing this Dare, I encourage you to! It's so wonderful!)

If someone were to ask you, “Why do you love your wife?” or “Why do you love your husband?” – what would you say?

Most men would mention their wife’s beauty, her sense of humor, her kindness, her inner strength. They might talk about her cooking, her knack for decorating, or what a good mother she is.

Women would probably say something about their husband’s good looks or his personality. They’d commend him for his steadiness and consistent character. They’d say they love him because he’s always there for them. He’s generous. He’s helpful.

But what if over the course of years, your wife or husband stopped being every one of those things. Would you still love them? Based on your answers above, the only logical response would be “no.” If your reasons for loving your spouse all have something to do with his or her qualities – and then those same qualities suddenly or gradually disappear – your basis for love is over.

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.

So here it's backing up what I said earlier about love having to be a choice, not a feeling. But it takes it even further! You have to choose to love someone not because of the things they do or the way they are, but choose to love them unconditionally. No matter what. Even if he is rude, even if he doesn't do anything while I'm at work, even if he gains 100 lbs and lies in bed all day, my love has to be unconditional.

Back on Track

Okay, I apologize for the brief hiatus from the real purpose of this blog. The past week has just been my whining and making posts more like a diary rather than how I'm doing with the Love Dare. It's easy for me to forget that this blog is to write about what the Love Dare is or isn't doing for my marriage.

I have realized that I keep making excuses for myself as to why I'm NOT doing things that way the Lord says I should. "It's too hard. At least I'm not screaming and lashing out like I used to. I just don't want to." and the list goes on. Not only that, I haven't even spent time with God in three days! Can you say perfect victim for Satan??!?!? I have to admit that I'm going through a lot of spiritual battle as well. Not know whether I'm saved or not, not feeling love from God. Wondering if He really does love me as much as people say He does. There is a lot of questions I need to ask and talk to Him about, and also others.

Our Pastor yesterday asked me a very important question. "Who could you change faster? You, or your Husband?" Point taken. Man it was sure easy a couple weeks ago to vow to focus only on my part and not worry if he is doing his part or not. Well that was when he was doing his part. But when it got to the nitty gritty and he wasn't doing his part at all, let's just say I can talk the talk but I sure wasn't walking the walk.

Okay, now let's continue with this Love Dare shall we?

Crumbling

Today was worse than the last. I think even my blog is suffering from this dark time in our marriage. I've noticed that past couple times have nothing to do with the Love Dare and me obeying the Lord's laws. It filled with my contempt for my Husband.

I'm really not sure where to go from here. At this point, my Husband isn't even wearing his ring anymore. I woke up to find it lying there on the kitchen table. It's pretty sad that we've only been married a month and we're acting like children. I don't think we quite understood what it's like to be married..but at least I had enough sense to know that just because we had a fight doesn't mean we're getting a divorce and I'm going to take off my ring. Part of me wanted to take off my rings and set them beside his..not because I felt the way he did about giving up, but just to show him what it looks like to see your spouses' ring on the table. I didn't.

I've been so mad at him lately that I didn't realize just how hurt I am. I was lying in bed with my son and it hit me just how broken my heart is. My husband dislikes me just as much as I dislike him. So much that he won't even wear his ring. As much as I don't want to be around him and don't like him right now, I guess I didn't think that he feels the same way.

Discouraged

I feel like I don't even know who this man is. Who did I marry? Who is this guy? I certainly didn't want to marry THIS guy. This new guy that is in attack mode. That wants to hurt and damage but not talk about it. To leave the bomb and come back to the wreckage pretending nothing happen. The man that will verbally attack me and then wonder why I have no desire to be intimate with him.

I am at a loss right now. I feel I am backed into a corner and I don't know where to go from here. He gets angry if I speak harshly or yell and asks me to speak nicely to him. So I speak nicely and as calm as I possibly can, I don't even use attack words. I just ask him a simple question and I don't even accuse or point out ANYTHING. I just ask a simple question. After pointing out that he doesn't like my calm voice he ignores me. I ask him how I am supposed to talk to him if he doesn't like a harsh tone and obviously doesn't want a nice tone. He continues to ignore me. I tell him that it's important to talk about our marriage and that his book can wait till later. He throws it down and says "I don't have to listen to your crap." And walks away.

You have no idea how strong the urge was to make World War III with this man. I wanted to, and still do because this just happened three minutes ago, scream and yell and bang his head on a rock. I am beginning to loathe this man. He is losing my affection, respect, and soon my love and he doesn't even care. There is nothing I can do. Screw this stupid Love Dare. This marriage is never going to work.

Love Dare - Day 9

I'm not quite sure whether I am proud of myself today or just pleased that I chose a different action when faced with frustration rather than my normal lashing out. I'm not proud of myself because I want to be able to respond with complete love at all times with my Husband. It's a huge task. Especially when I don't feel like he deserves it at a moment. But you know, none of us deserve the love that God gives us so I really can't use that as an excuse. None the less, I can say I'm pleased with the little progress today.

My Husband is having a hard time staying at home while I go to work. He feels inadequate and feels that his manhood has been stripped away the moment he traded his work hat for an apron. My Husband is very simple when it comes to being a man. Man provide for family. Man strong, man protect wife when she afraid dark. Okay, that's enough caveman talk, but the point I'm making is that when he doesn't get to be the man he views himself as worthless.

I understand this and I want him to be the man. Don't get me wrong, I love my job but if I had the choice I wouldn't be working. I miss my son. I hate leaving him in the mornings, even if he kept me up all night and I'm as cranky as cranky can be, he always seems to make it up about a half hour before I get up when he finally goes to sleep and cuddles up next to me. I'm scared that I'm going to miss some huge milestones. Not only that, when I come home and he's crying and upset and I feel like he's in an atmosphere of frustration and anger that my Husband is emitting because he can't handle his son being anything less than perfect. So it's hard to leave him in that environment and resist the urge to call the school and tell them I'm not coming back because I want to stay home and rescue him.

Okay that was a tangent. Anyways all this makes my Husband very moody with me. I feel like I'm being treated very unfairly and that there is big double standards going on right now. When my Husband worked and I stayed at home, he expected to come home to an absolute clean house every day. If those expectations were not met he didn't waste time letting me know. If there was a chance to make note of my lack of housework diligence in public, you bet he pounced on it. I guess he figured public humiliation would change me. (Hmm, sounds familiar..I should remember that next time I try to humiliate him into changing). Long story short, he would say negative comments about my work ethic and say that I have it easy and that I don't do anything during the day, and here is the kicker..he said I used our son as an excuse. As petty as this all sounds, remember what I just said because you will see the double standard. I also realize that I have not even mentioned today's Dare but hang tight, I really don't have anyone to talk vent to besides my loving Mother who has gone through the same thing, and I find that writing my feelings in this blog help me deal with them.

Back to the double standards. So now that I am working and my Husband is Mr. Mom, he has taken to sleeping in till 10, not doing any school work or house work during the day and sometimes even takes a long nap, after having 10 hours of sleep! And here comes the biggest double standard. When asked why he doesn't get a whole lot done. He says that our son takes up most of the time!!!! Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that not an excuse?!?! I feel like saying "You know what Buddy, that isn't going to fly because I was the stay at home Mom once. I know just how much time our son takes, and I know that there is infact time to do stuff. Not if you spend all day at the computer though." I'm not afraid to admit that when I was staying home I didn't clean and do stuff as much as I could of. I wasn't spending all my time on the computer though. Not only that, when I was a stay at home Mom, our son was younger. He demanded more time from me because I was his only thing to play with. He's older now, he entertains himself for the most part. He's not hard to take care of. And have you ever heard of cleaning and doing constructive stuff while he's playing by himself or napping??? As you can clearly tell I am frustrated. I completely see both sides of the story. It's hard to get the motivation to do work when you're at home all cozy, especially if the baby is cranky. It is also hard to come home after working all day (and getting up early after a night of no sleep because you take care of the baby at night) and see that the house is a mess and your other half is sleeping after sleeping in till 10. I know that when our roles are reversed again I will do a lot more with my time. Another thing is when I was staying home, whenever I would say that I planned on cleaning that day my Husband would snicker and say "yea right." That would make me so angry. I'm starting to wonder why my Husband does things to hurt me or aggravate me. He accuses me of wanting to pick fights, but the more I think about it, he is the antagonist a lot more than I ever am.

Okay I have went off track again and now I'm worked up. To summarize..what was I talking about? My Husband is being a hypocrite. And he is taking his frustrations out on me. The results of this? I find myself putting up a wall with him. He hurts me so much all the time, and it's intentional a lot of the time, that now I'm building a wall. I realized it today. I feel myself becoming numb and not allowing myself to feel anything with him. This is very dangerous and it saddens me so much. I don't know if I will ever have the passion I used to have with him. I am not attracted to him anymore. I don't even like being around him anymore. And when I say attracted I don't mean physically. I don't want to be intimate with him. I'm not just talking about THE intimacy but even kissing. I am so scared for our marriage. I will never divorce him because I don't believe in divorce but I fear that eventually I'm going to divorce him emotionally. I am so hurt that I just don't feel anything for him anymore. It's my way of self defense I guess.

Okay lets put this aside and talk about the Love Dare. Today was about greeting each other. The Dare is to commit to great your spouse lovingly and with a kiss. That such a simple act can make all the difference. You can tell a couples relationship by how they great each other. Well, I can't stand to be around my Husband and I would rather eat dirt than kiss him... We have a lot to work with don't we?

Love Dare - Day 8

Today's dare, I have to admit, didn't really have a huge impact on me. It was about jealousy, the righteous (being jealous for your spouses affection and attention when it's being given to something or some one else) and the sinful (wanting what someone else has). Although I admit that I often find myself jealous of what other people have, it's not the brooding kind...I don't think anyways. I know it's possible to subconciously feel a certain way and not even know it. Anyways I don't feel that I am ever jealous of my Husband. When he does good I am so happy for him and I am the first to give him praise, and I never have to be jealous for his time and affection.

Although the actual post didn't do a whole lot for me, it and our Bible study with Beth Moore last night, has sparked some questions in me. Are there feelings or thoughts that are so common to me that are sinful that I don't even know I'm doing it? Last night Beth Moore was talking about being mean behind closed doors. When my students are talking bad about another student, or teacher I'm the first one to stop it. If someone is being picked on I'm there to stand up for them. I have an empathetic and sympathetic heart...but how am I behind closed doors?

Beth's words of conviction were like a dagger in my heart. I know how I am behind closed doors and it's not pretty. My Husband and I have a lot of 'pillow talk' as they used to call it. We both come from backrounds where it's about gossip gossip gossip. We are born again and we want so desperately to please the Lord, but that backround seems to have such a strong hold on us that we don't even notice just how bad it is.

This blog is about my marriage, and I didn't forget and decide to talk about me. This post actually has a lot to do about my marriage. Because I admitted before that I have a tendency to talk badly about my Husband behind his back. It hurts me so much when I think about it. I love him so much and I feel so protective of him yet I am the first one to say something mean whether it's to his face or when he's not there. Why? I asked that question before and I STILL don't have an answer!

Often when my Husband is being crabby or I feel like I'm being verbally attacked I always say to him "I'm your wife not your enemy! Stop treating me like I'm the enemy and it's my fault for everything!" I feel like I need to say the same thing to myself. I feel like I do treat him like he's the enemy. But why would he be my enemy?

I know this is a lot of babbling but something tells me that I'm on the verge of a break through with this. We don't fight or even discuss differences constructively. It becomes a war zone with enemy lines drawn. I feel like when the battle gets turned on, he becomes my enemy and I become all the girls that have done him wrong. We lose sight of who the other person is. Something tells me that if we could just look at the other person and see that they are the wonderful other half that we married and a person we love and trust and care for we wouldn't draw that enemy line. Now I think I am a little speechless. That's a pretty tough thing to ask of me Lord. I mean I know you asked Jesus to die a painful death and He did it...but He is God... I am just a human. See, now this is just pathetic comparing Jesus' sacrifice to the difficult task of not seeing my Husband as the enemy. It shouldn't be that hard should it? So why is it? I feel like this same question and problem rings true for a lot of married couples.

One more thing before I close. Remember when I confessed that I am selfish? Something happened yesterday that painfully reminded me how small my problems are.

My Husband and I were driving home from Walmart. Ha, I'm laughing to myself because I am about to say why we were arguing..and I can't even remember now! It was only yesterday and I can't remember! Point being, we were fighting and driving in silence. I was looking out the window crying when my Husband points out a traffic buildup at a stop light. As we slowly creep up to the light we see three cop cars and numerous people running in and out of a ditch about 10 feet deep. There is glass everywhere and as we pass by we see a car crushed, laying in the ditch. I would later find out that as I convince myself in my head that my life is miserable and that I'm so unhappy and my marriage is a waste of time, an Elder of the church was in that car. I remember passing by the car and thinking to myself "Whoever is in that wreck..their life right now, this very instance, is being turned upside down. They may be dead, their life may be over, or they may be crippled. And it doesn't end there, family members are being affected. And here I am, wallowing in misery because my Husband and I are having a fight." Then, I began imagining what it would be like if my Husband were in that car. What would I do if he were lying mangled in the ditch with no pulse? My question didn't stop there. I actually sat there and pictured how life would be without him. How I would get my own place, and raise my son on my own. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I couldn't breathe. The hotter the tears stung my eyes (I'm tearing up right now just writing about it). The incredible regret and longing for him to come back when I know that I will not see him until heaven and even then we won't be married like we are here on earth. It gets to the point where for a minute I actually believe that he has died and I become torn with unbelievable sadness. Then, at once I come back to reality. You can imagine the flood of thankfullness and joy I felt when I realized that my Husband is, infact, in a car, but it's the same car I am in and we are not lying in a ditch. We are driving down the road in silence because of an argument, wasting precious minutes of our lives being mad at each other when we should be spending them loving each other and enjoying being Husband and Wife while we can. You will never know just how pathetic and petty I felt at the moment. How incredibly ashamed I was of myself. I don't know if that intense vision of my Husband death was just my ability to imagine the worst or God showing me how much I truly would miss my Husband. Either way I am thankful for it and I will be remember the indescribable pain I felt at the thought of losing him.

Lord help me, I have a loooong way to go.